Roller Coasters

From the time I was very young, I have loved roller coasters.

I'm amazed by the design of roller coasters - the climbs, the drops, the loops and turns; and how the cars remain on the rails! I'm amazed that a person's mind could design all that!

I love the anticipation while standing in line - watching the faces of the people getting off the roller coaster and the change of expression of those waiting to board as they, too, see the reactions of the riders deboarding.

I love the feeling you get in your stomach as you top a long climb - just before you drop off the other side! I like the tingle in my toes and the sudden exhalation as the air is pushed out with a scream and everyone tries to look like it's no big deal -- raising both arms high in the air.

And I love riding roller coasters with good friends. Not only am I braver then, but it also extends the pleasure as we talk and laugh about it over and over again.

I've noticed an increasing similarity between those rides and the ride I'm on now -- the ride of my life. There's a constant rise and fall. A long climb that seems to never end; then, just as it does, you find yourself thinking for a second that maybe the climb wasn't quite long enough because you can't see what's on the other side.

There's the excitement of future possibility mingled with the fear of not achieving those dreams. There's the temptation to hold back -- emotionally, socially... -- because if you lay everything out in the open, what will the reaction be? Will people understand you, accept you, look up to you even... or will they be amused that you could possibly picture yourself in that light? Will you end up celebrating or will your dreams be shattered on the floor like pieces of a plate that slips from your hands?

Those ups and downs, they scare me sometimes. I get a bit anxious when I seem to stay at the crest of that climb too long. I begin to worry that the bottom really IS about to fall out. I worry that maybe this time, the coaster will somehow derail and I'll end up going over the edge, or stuck permanently at the bottom where the view is lousy!

When that fear strikes, I now realize, there's a decision to be made -- in life, anyway. I can stay where I am and enjoy the view and relative safety from that crest or I can move forward to what lies ahead, exercising faith that the Designer knows what He's doing, and that eventually the crest will be permanent and the view will be more than I can possibly imagine.

Believing that doesn't make pain and apprehension and sorrow disappear, but it makes it bearable; as does the company of those I'm riding with. I'm certain that is the most perfect part of the design -- that we're not intended to ride alone!

I don't think you'll be seeing me throw my arms up in the air like it's no big deal anytime soon, though you may hear me scream from time to time! But you will see me continuing to move forward. I cannot put into words how grateful I am for those who surround me. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I'm not alone and that there's still beauty in the ride.

I love you!

Heart to Heart

I am truly blessed to have friends and family whose hearts seem to always know when to reach out & who then have the courage and compassion to follow through on that prompting!

The events of the last few days are just a glimpse of the love that surrounds me and my family - - a love that keeps us afloat when the waves have been pounding a little too hard:

An invitation - the same as previous years - to a party with friends who give me the space to do as much, or as little, as I feel I can.

A special gift left on the doorstep from special friends who truly understand the bittersweet tug-of-war between grieving the death of a child & celebrating the birth of the One whose sacrifice allows us to overcome that death.

Loved ones gathering to help with improvements that will get our family moved to the farm more quickly - then returning again without us to continue the work!

Our kind, compassionate attorney who offered to do the work for the boys' adoptions free of charge -- then sent a plate full of goodies with them to share with the cousins!

Our Sandstrom Family celebration in the loft of our barn at the farm -- Dad Sandstrom's "favorite story" about "playing Christmas Gift" and "go to the kitchen and smell..."! The boys and their cousins laughing & hugging and playing on the hay.

Listening to Sidney & Joseph on the way home as they talked about when Jesus comes again and Charlie gets his perfect body and how Charlie probably already met Joseph Smith...

Gifts left on the porch for the boys from the Primary - reminding them how very much they are loved.

Tucking my boys into bed after scriptures and prayers knowing that soon, although I can only tuck in two boys right now, all THREE will be mine eternally!!

Sunshine & Shadows

So, I'm going to give this "blogging" thing another shot. Nan & Kim you inspire me!! :)

I'm calling this post "Sunshine & Shadows," because I've gained a greater appreciation for both recently!

I've always loved the sunshine -- the light, the warmth, the way it sparkles on water and can make everything -- even dust dancing in it-- pretty! But lately I've found myself wanting to just stay OUT of the sunlight -- away from people and noise - wanting to basically hide!

I was getting a bit concerned until a thought came into my head -- a memory, actually. I was helping Kam rake hay two years ago. The sun was shining, there was a slight breeze -- an absolutely gorgeous day! After about two hours of that "gorgeous" sunlight, though, I was hot enough to be getting a headache. We got to a stopping point and got off the tractors to take a break in the shade, in the SHADOWS of some trees!! It was a temporary stop, but it was definitely a necessary one. After a short break, my headache was gone and we went back to work and finished the job.

I honestly do believe our trials, our struggles, make us stronger. I believe they sort of "smooth the edges" and strengthen the weak spots -- if we let them. But, to be honest, there have been a few times this year when I've felt my edges were so "smoothed", I should be a marble!!!

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel "picked on" by Heavenly Father -- anything but! I KNOW I'm blessed. I see so many blessings around me everyday, and I am truly grateful. Sometimes, though, those struggles that in the end will make me who I'm actually supposed to be - the daughter of God that HE sees - those struggles sometimes get heavy. That's when I tend to hide. I'm beginning to realize that's okay - IN MODERATION!! Those are my "shadow" days, and I will use them on occasion.

So if I don't answer the phone some days, try texting, or emailing so I can be more passively involved. If I don't respond to those - give me a day or so. On those "shadow days" my resources will be almost exclusively available to my husband and my sons. But I will eventually get in touch - I promise!!

Rest assured, those "shadow days" will be just a temporary stop. I'll us them to process, to regroup, to "apply sunscreen," if you will, so I'll be better prepared to step back out into the sunshine that is my life - my wonderful, beautiful life!